Legolas vs Figwit: The Ultimate Battle
by Newmoon
Summary: Legolas and Figwit battle to find out which of them is the quintessential Elf-hunk. Wacky hijinks ensue.
1. Introducing the Opponents

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing having to do with _The Lord of the Rings_. All this is written without the consent of the Tolkien estate, and are used for entertainment purposes only. 

Ok, I just watched LOTR: FOTR for the umpteenth time, and I decided that there is a most pressing question that must be answered. Who is better: Legolas...or Figwit? Now there are many of you who would say either one and be done with it. There are even more who would say, "Who the heck is Figwit?" I'll just ignore those people and get on with this.

Now, both Legolas and Figwit radiate such stunning hottness that it makes any female within a two-mile radius swoon. That hair, those eyes! The injustice done to these characters, be it only 25 seconds of screen time and no lines at all, or having less than 20 lines throughout the entire movie, is felt by many.

I am currently vacationing in Rivendell, and I have had the chance to see both these Elves, though I have not met them personally. All the times I have seen them together, they have been giving each other death stares and mentally cursing the other's very existance. So I wondered: What would happen if their tempers burst, and they unleashed great anger and emotion into a battle that decided, once and for all, who is the hotter Elf.

**Legolas vs. Figwit: The Ultimate Battle**

_(Dramatic music cue)_

It was a fair day in Rivendell. The mid-afternoon sun shone over the trees like the lights of Arda, and a feeling of peace reigned everywhere in the valley. Everywhere, that is, except in the hearts of a certain two Elves.

Legolas paced in his room, troubled. He had lost more fangirls to the idiot Figwit today. This was not good. He still had far more fans than Figwit did, but it was not good that more and more were taking Figwit into their hearts and banishing Legolas.

Figwit was so full of himself. When Aragorn had told Legolas to sit down at the Council, Legolas had seen how Figwit stuck his tongue out at Legolas, oh yes, he had. The nerve of him!

"I must stop him!" muttered Legolas. "Somehow, I must make everyone hate Figwit, and bow down before me!"

Noticing that they were uneven, Legolas got up to file his nails.

Figwit, meanwhile, was in his room on the other side of Rivendell, brushing his hair. He hummed a little Elvish ditty about butterflies and preened himself. This morning he had stolen five more fangirls from that jerk Legolas. Oh, yes, revenge is sweet. Figwit had seen those death stares Legolas kept sending him during the Council of Elrond. He hadn't known what Legolas had been thinking of doing to him, but now he had revenge before Legolas had even done it! Oh, the feeling of power...

Yet although Figwit seemed content and triumphant on the outside, on the inside his blood was boiling. He had so few fangirls, and Legolas had so many! Even that runt Frodo had more Fangirls than he did, but Legolas was the one on his mind at the moment. That conceited blonde thought he was so great, just because he got to be in the Fellowship! Figwit could have been in the Fellowship if he had wanted to, but he didn't want to ruin his hair, that's all!

"This must be ended!" Figwit said. He finished brushing his hair, and then left his room to go find Legolas.

So, who do you think is the quintessential hunk? Who do you think should win, Legolas or Figwit? Give me your opinion in the form of a review, as well as ideas of what should happen in the Ultimate Battle. I'll post the beginning of the battle once I get some reviews.


	2. Round One

Disclaimer: I no own, so you no sue. 

Synopsis: When we last left our heros, Figwit was going out in search of Legolas so that they could settle once and for all who was the better Elf. Legolas was filing his nails.

* * *

**Reader Votes:**

**Legolas:** 8  
**Figwit**: 1 .  
..and **Glorfindel:** 1, but he didn't want anything to do with this.

Figwit: "Oh, no! I only have one vote! Oh, well, at least one reader likes me."

Author: "Sorry to burst your bubble, Figgy, but I voted as well, and I gave one vote to both you and Leggikins because I couldn't decide. No readers have voted for you so far!"

Figwit: "Oh, WOE!"

Legolas: "Yay!"

Author: "May the best Elf win."

* * *

**Round One**

Figwit strode through Rivendell swiftly, stopping only when he came to Legolas' room. Figwit knocked on the door. "Come in!" he heard Legolas say. The Elf entered.

"You!" cried Legolas, leaping up from his seat, his emery board falling to the floor with an ominous clatter. "What are you doing here?"

"Ah, well, I thought we should put aside our disputes and be friends!" Figwit said, smiling.

"Uh..." said Legolas dumbly, like a typical blonde.

"Fool!" said Figwit. "We must settle this once and for all! We must risk life and limb in a final battle that shall decide which one of us has better hair...and who is a better Elf over all!"

"Oh, yeah, I was thinking we may want to do something along those line," Legolas said.

"Well, I thought of it first!" said Figwit.

"No, I did!" protested Legolas.

"I did!"

"No, I did!"

"No you didn't, I did!"

"I thought of it first!"

"You did not!" said Figwit, incase the readers had lost track of who was talking.

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"_Daddy_!" shouted Figwit accusingly. There was silence.

"Who is your Daddy, anyway?" asked Legolas after a moment.

"I have no idea," said Figwit. After a pause, he added, "But I though of it first."

"No, I did!" said Legolas.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

This went on for quite some time, until both Elves ran out of breath.

"Ok, so both of us thought of it first," Legolas panted. "Shall we start the battle already?"

"I'm ready when you're ready," Figwit said.

"And I'm ready when you're ready," Legolas said.

"So are you ready?" asked Figwit.

"I'm ready," said Legolas. "Are you?"

"Yup," said Figwit.

"We'll lets go," Legolas said.

"Sure," said Figwit. "Let's do this."

The two Elves stood staring at each other for a moment. "Um..." said Legolas. "Are we going to start this battle?"

"I was waiting for you to start," Figwit said.

"What a coincidense, I was waiting for you!" said Legolas. "You make the first move."

"No, you can go first," Figwit said.

"No, no, it's quite alright with me if you go first," urged Legolas.

"Pleae, I want you to go first!" Figwit said.

"CAN WE GET THIS BATTLE STARTED ALREADY?!" shouted the frustrated Readers.

Not wanting to lose anymore fangirls, Legolas darted towarrds Figwit, his hands outstretched. Deftly, he placed his hands upon Figwit's head and moved them around quickly.

"My hair!" screamed Figwit. "You're messing up my gorgeous hair!!"

"Ha ha!" said Legolas, and stepped back to observe his handiwork. Figwit's hair looked worse than it did when he got up in the morning. It was full of tangles and knots, hardly desirable.

"Idiot!" said Figwit, peering into Legolas' mirror. "Look what you've done! I'll bet...omygosh!!! Is that a SPLIT END?!?!?!?!" Figwit's face began to turn red. "That is it, buster!" he said. "You touch the hair, beware!!!"

Figwit grabbed a flowerpot off Legolas' windosill and threw it at the other Elf's head. It shattered, spewing dirt into Legolas' perfect blonde hair. Figwit ran foward and rubbed the dirt even more into his opponent's hair.

"Dirt!" shrieked Legolas. "You got dit in my hair!!" He clawed at his head, trying to get the dirt out. Suddenly, he stopped, and looked with dread down at his fingernails. Gasp and horror! In the process of brushing the dirt out of his hair, Legolas had gotten dirt underneath his fingernails!!

"My nails! My beautiful nails!" Legolas' screams could be heard all the way in Rohan. Legolas burst into tears. He curled up on the floor in a fetal position, and rocked back and forth, whimpering, "No...my precious nails...they're dirty..."

Figwit watched Legolas like this for a few moments, an amused smile on his face. Then he turned to go back to his room to fix his hair.

But as he went, Legolas watched him go, malice brewing in his heart. Figwit would pay, oh yes he would...

**Winner of Round One:** Figwit

A/N Well, this certainly is exciting. Remember to review and give votes and input. I'll post up Round Two as soon as I get more reviews.


	3. Round Two

**Disclaimer:** I no own, so you no sue. 

**Synopsis:** The Elves have begun their battle to see who is the better Elf. The winner of Round One was Figwit. Legolas has vowed revenge, and Glorfindel appears to be having an emotional breakdown.

* * *

**Reader Votes:**

**Legolas:**11  
**Figwit:** 4  
...and _sigh _**Glorfindel:** 3, but I promise you, he has told me personally that he wants nothing to do with this war!!

**Glorfindel:** "Please, I beg you, don't vote for me! You don't even know what I look like!" breaks down in sobs. Legolas comes over to comfort him

**Figwit:** "Yay! I got more votes! I have fans!"

**Legolas:** "Unfortunately."

**Figwit:** "I heard that!" _pouts_

**Author:** "Let's get on with this, please!"

* * *

**Round Two**

Figwit came back to his room to get his hair out of the state Legolas had put it in. A Kindly Reader gave him a hair brush to do this with.

"Thank you, Kindly Reader," said Figwit. The Reader fainted.

Once Figwit had fixed his hair, he began plotting his next move. _Hmm..._ he thought. _Legolas seems obsessed with his arrows. Maybe if I replace all of his arrows with amusing objects and re-strung his bow with silly string..._ And the plotting contiued.

Meanwhile, Legolas had snapped out of it. He cleaned his nails and took a shower to wash the dirt out of his hair. All this time he was plotting revenge, sweet revenge.

"Well, Figwit loves his clothes," Legolas thought outloud. "He is always up with the latest fashions. Maybe if I tie-dye all of his clothes urple then he'll be too humiliated to leave his room and I'll win the war by forfeight."

Figwit left his room to go back to Legolas'. He hid behind a pillar and waited for Legolas to leave his room. When Legolas finally did leave, Figwit noticed that he was followed by several fangirls carrying signs that said things like "Down With Figwit", and "Die, Figwit, Die!" Figwit hoped that the second signs were only in German, and could be translated into "The, Figwit, The!"

When Legolas was out of sight, Figwit darted forward and entered the Elf's room. It looked the same as it had half an hour ago, minus the flowerpot on the windowsill and the wet towel on the floor.

Figwit looked around, wondering where Legolas kept his bow and arrows. They were not hard to find. They were in a glass case atop an ivory table, with a label saying: "Legolas Greenleaf's best friends: His trusty bow and arrows." _Ai, Eru!_ Figwit thought.

He picked the lock on the glass case and lifted out the bow and quiver of arrows. He laid them on the floor and whipped out a can of silly string and a bag of rubber chickens. "Haha!" said Figwit. "Victory shall be mine!!"

Carefully, he un-strung the bow string on Legolas' bow. He sprayed a fine tread of bright pink silly string out of the can, and carefully strung it onto the bow. Then he removed all of the arrows from the quiver, and replaced them with rubber chickens, plus a few spatulas and empty pixy stix. Then he put the bow and quiver back in their glass case.

"Revenge is a dish best served with pork chops and mashed potatoes!" said Figwit gleefully. "MWAHAHAHAHAH!!!"

Legolas could not believe his luck! He has his bottle of urple dye, he has his rubber gloves, and he was already to tie-dye Figwit's clothes. And Figwit was not in his room! It was perfect! Of course, the thought did occur to Legolas that Figwit might be off doing something evil to his opponent, but nothing could be worse than dying clothes urple!

Legolas opened Figwit's wardrobe and pulled out all the clothes. He put them in a big pot and dumped all the urple dye on them. Instantly, the clothes were ruined, now being urple through and through. Gasp and horror! Legolas laughed manically.

"Oh, hello, Legolas," said Figwit coming back. "What are you doing in my room?" There was a pause, then, "WHAT THE #$#!!!) IN $#&)($!!$ HAVE YOU DONE TO MY CLOTHES?!"

"I dyed them urple," said Legolas.

"I can tell," Figwit said through clenched teeth. "Oh well," he said, calming down. "You didn't know about my extra stash of clothes." Figwit reached under his bed and pulled out several new outfits, which he hung in his wardrobe. Legolas promptly pulled them out ans dropped them in the urple dye.

"#$??&!!?()#" said Figwit. Legolas laughed and went back to his room. He fetched his REAL bow and arrows out of his closet, and went back and shot holes in all of Figwit's urple clothes.

**Winner of Round Two:** Legolas

A/N End of Round Two! I would first like to thank jaffacake and tenshiamanda for giving the ideas for what the Elves did to each other in this round, and then Figwit would once again like to thank Sprite for being the Kindly Reader who gave him a hair brush.

**Figwit:** "Thank you, Sprite."

**Author:** "Thank you, jaffacake and tenshiamanda."

**Legolas:** "Hey, how come my fangirls didn't help me when I had dirt in my hair??"

**Author:** "They were too busy swooning and fainting."

**Legolas:** "Oh, yeah..."

BTW, if you don't know what urple is, read the Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth. And please, if you really love Glorfindel, then you won't vote for him. I fear for his health; he isn't used to having fagirls.


	4. Round Three

** Disclaimer:** I no own, so you no sue.

**Synopsis:** Legolas: 1 Figwit: 1. Tempers are running high, and input from readers is giving the Elfie-boys ideas.

* * *

**Reader Votes:  
**  
**Legolas:** 16  
**Figwit:** 15  
...and I'm not going to_ list_ the votes for other characters that I got.

**Figwit:** "Yay! I'm catching up!"

**Legolas:** "What! No! This can't be happening!"

**Figwit:** "Ha ha!"

**Author:** "PEOPLE! PLEASE DO NOT VOTE FOR CHARACTERS OTHER THAN FIGWIT OR LEGOLAS!"

**Figwit:** "Yay! She mentioned me first!" 

**Legolas:** glares

**Author:** "IT GETS ANNOYING AND CONFUSING! Now let's get on with the battle."

* * *

**Round Three**

Figwit lamented for a while about the loss of most of his clothes. Of course, hedidstill have the set that he had been wearing when Legolas ruined the rest of them. Thankfully, Legolas had not gotten those ones. He decided to go on a shopping spree with Sprite (the Kindly Reader) so that he could get some more clothes.

"That was fun, we should do this more often," he told Sprite when they had gotten back from their shopping spree. Sprite fainted again.

Meanwhile, Legolas was going over some gifts he had gotten from one of his many fans. He puzzled over why she had given him 12 brand-new arrows, when he already had a perfectly good set stowed away in his closet. Suddenly, a terrible thought occured to him. Legolas looked over to the glass case an the ivroy table, where his very first bow and arrow were set.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Legolas. "BLASPHEMY!" His bow and arrows were spoiled! Silly string, rubber chickens, spatulas! Even the pixy stix gave him no consolation, as they were empty. This called for revenge, worse than any revenge he had given so far!

"Elrond," Legolas said to Elrond and Aragorn a few minutes later in Elrond's study. "I must report to you a terrible deed that has been done to your daughter."

"What?" cried Elrond frantically. "Who did something to my baby?"

"Figwit made a move on Arwen last night as exactly 8:00 EST," Legolas announced.

"_What_?"roared Elrond.

"He did not!" said Aragorn indignintly. "At 8:00 EST Arwen and I were in my room. Figwit could not possibly have done anything."

"What were you and Arwen doing in your room?" asked Elrond suspiciously.

"We were..." Aragorn paused. "Studying... yeah, that's right, we were in my room studying... on the bed... uh-huh."

"Riiiight," said Elrond, annoyed since that conversation probably brought the fic's rating up one notch. "What were you studying, the _Kama Sutra_?"

Of course, Legolas had left by now, since Aragorn had spoiled his clever plan. He went to find Figwit.

"Figwit, we need to- Hey, where did you get all those clothes?"asked Legolas when he came to Figwit's room.

"I went shopping with Sprite," Figwit said, indicating the unconcious fangirl still lying on the floor. "And Ragna has stolen all of your urple dye."

"Oh," said Legolas. "Um...is the battle still on?"

"But of course!" cried Figwit and indicated all of Legolas' fangirls, who Figwit had convinced to take baths in urple dye, because he said it would make Legolas love them more.

"You dyed my fangirls URPLE!"shouted Legolas. He broke down into furioussobs.

"Ha HA!" said Figwit.

Back in his room, Legolas mourned the death of all his fangirls. Well, they weren't _really_ dead, but, since they had been dyed urple, they were as good as dead.

At least he still had arrows. For his 500th birthday, Legolas had gotten a never-ending supply of arrows. How ever many arrows he used, his quiver was still full. Oh well. Legolas left his room to see if anything could be done about his fangirls.

And Sprite snuck in to Legolas' room and stole his quiver of arrows. Naughty, naughty Sprite.

**Winner of Round Three:** Figwit

A/N Ok, thanks to Sprite and tenshiamanda for giving me the ideas for this chapter, and another thank-you to Sprite for being such a willing fictim. Thanks guys!

Ragna is another character from OFUM. 


	5. Round Four

**Disclaimer:** I no own, so you no sue! 

**Synopsis:** Sprite and Figwit went on a shopping spree, and Legolas mourned at the spoiling of his first ever set of bow and arrows, and at the fact that all his fangirls had been dyed urple. Sprite then stole Legolas' never- ending supply of arrows, and The Author forgot to thank Aldawen of Rivendell for the gifts she sent Legolas.

* * *

**Reader Votes:**

**Legolas:** 18  
**Figwit:** 18

**Legolas:** "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

**Figwit:** "YES! I've caught up with pretty-boy!" _does a little dance_

**Author:** "Hmmm...things are getting more competetive..."

**Figwit:** _hugs Sprite in his joy_

**Sprite:** _faints_

**Legolas:** _curls up in a fetal position_

**Author:** "I'm begining to worry about what this is doing to the Elfie-boys' egos... Oh well. Let's get on to Round Four."

* * *

**Round Four**

Legolas sighed as he looked at all his urple fangirls. What a tragic loss. There just had to be SOME way to fix them! He'd get Lord Elrond to look into that. Meanwhile he was stuck with urple fangirls. Legolas felt on the verge of tears.

But wait! Who was that, smilling sweetly at him from the edge of the crowd? It was one of his fangirls, but...she wasn't urple! "Oh, sweetest of all possible joys!" cried Legolas. "You aren't _urple_!"

"Of course I'm not," Aldawen of Rivendell said. "I'm much too smart to take an urple bath. _And_ I don't think it's fair that Figwit should get to have Sprite to hang out with him as his Kindly Reader. So can I be your Kindly Reader? I did, after all, send you all those arrows and hair brushes and mischief-making kits."

"That was YOU?" cried Legolas joyfully. Aldawen nodded serenely.

"Hey, what about me?" cried Sake. "I'm a Kindly Reader _too_!"

"Um..." said Legolas. "Call me back when you're not urple." And Legolas led Aldawen away.

Meanwhile, Figwit and Sprite went on another mission. They snuck into Legolas' room and Sprite sniggered at all the lace and pink ruffles that adorned everything.

"What a priss!" she giggled, glad that she was finally talking and for once not fainting.

"Definately," Figwit agreed, and Sprite had to look away so that she didn't faint again.

They picked the lock on Legolas' wardrobe and took out all of the clothes.

"What kind of an idiot locks his wardrobe?" asked Sprite.

"The Legolaskind," said Figwit. "And I only think he's locked it since he dyed all of my clothes."

Figwit and Sprite left Legolas' room and headed for Bilbo's room, carrying all of Legolas' clothes. When they got to Bilbo's room, they knocked on the door. "Come in!" said Bilbo. They did.

"Hello, Bilbo!" Figwit said. "Legolas gave me all of his old, unfashionable clothes that he doesn't want anymore, and asked me to give them to you to do something with."

"Melpomaen," said Bilbo patiently, using Figwit's proper, Elvish name, "you know I don't wear Elvish clothes!"

"Legolas was thinking you could make something clever out of them," explained Figwit. "Like pillows or curtains."

"What a lovely idea!" cried Bilbo.

"Good-bye, Bilbo!" said Figwit as he and Sprite left.

"Where are we going now?" asked Sprite as they walked down the hall.

"To put a lock on my wardrobe," replied Figwit.

* * *

Legolas and Aldawen returned to Legolas' room soon after Figwit and Sprite left. 

"I'm going to change my clothes," Legolas said. "I noticed a speck of dust on this set." Aldawen nodded and reluctantly looked away. Suddenly Legolas screamed, and Adawen whirled around.

"Legolas!" she cried. "What is it?"

"My clothes are...are gone!" cried Legolas. It was true. The wardrobe was empty.

"What could have happened?" wondered Aldawen, wide-eyed.

"Figwit!" muttered Legolas. "He was behind this, I know it!" Legolas and Aldaewn stormed out of Legolas' room, in search of Figwit.

They searched all through Rivendell, until they came to Bilb's room. Legolas knocked on the door. "Come in!" cried Bilbo, and they did.

"Legolas!" cried Bilbo when he saw they Elf. "I just want to thank you so much for your donation!"

"What are you talking about?" asked Legolas.

"Figwit came by a little while ago with those old clothes for me," Bilbo said. Then he gestured around his room, and Legolas saw the patchwork quilt, the curtains, the table cloth, the cushions, and the dressing gown, all made out of Legolas clothes.

"FIGWIT!" shouted Legolas, and stormed out of Bilbo's room, Aldawen fast behind him.

"FIGWIT!" shouted Legolas, bursting into Figwit's room.

"Hello, Legolas," said Figwit pleasently. "Although it really is polite to knock." Sprite nodded.

Legolas didn't answer. He marched forward and hit Figwit HARD in the back on the head. "Hey!" cried Sprite. Figwit looked up.

"Why is everything so blurry?" he asked, and Sprite, Legolas, and Aldawen gasped.

"Figwit..." said Sprite, her lower lip trembling, "do you wear...contact lenses?"

"Huh?' said Figwit, but it was true. Legolas had hit Figwit so hard that his green contact lenses had fallen out, revealing sickly yellow-ish eyes. But quick as a wink, Sprite spotted Figwit's contacts on the floor and grabbed them, before Aldawen had a chance to crush them with her feet.

"Here they are, Figgy," Sprite said, handing the Elf his contacts. "Don't worry, I still love you."

"Uh, thanks," said Figwit, putting them back in. "You see Legolas? You didn't win, for we have stolen all of your arrows."

"WHAT?" cried Legolas. He and Aldawen raced back to Legolas' room, and sure enough, his arrows were gone!

"NOOOOOOOOO!" cried Legolas, and broke down into sobs.

**Winner of Round Four:** Figwit

A/N Many thanks to Tintalle HalfHolbytla and GreyLadyBast for their ideas that were used in this chapter, and thanks to Aldawen of Rivendell and Sprite for being such willing and enthusiastic fictims. And don't worry, Sake, your time will come...


	6. Round Five

**Disclaimer:** I no own, so you no sue. 

**Synopsis:** Figwit: 3 Legolas: 1 Figwit is ahead by two. Both Elves are making the other's life crash down around them.

* * *

**Reader Votes:**

**Legolas:** 28  
**Figwit:** 29

**Figwit:** "YES YES YES YES YES! I'M AHEAD OF BLONDIE! WHOOO- HOOOO!"

**Legolas:** "No...NOOOOOOO! It cannot be! How?" _bursts into tears_

**Sprite:** "Yay! We've reduced Legolas' ego to practically nothing!"

_Sprite hugs Figwit and they do a little dance_

**Legolas:** _still sobbing hysterically_

**Aldawen:** "Evil people, making Leggy-poo cry!"

**Legolas:** _STILL sobbing hysterically_

**Sprite&Figwit:** _still dancing_

**Author:** "For goodness' sake, Legolas, pull yourself together! It's just one vote!"

**Aldawen:** "You get away from him! If Seamoose had his way it would be eight votes!"

**Sprite:** "GO SEAMOOSE!"

**Author:** "Maybe I should let Seamoose have his way. This guy is a wimp!" _points to Legolas, who is still sobbing_

**Aldawen:** "BLASPHEMY!"

**Sprite:** _still dancing_ "GO SEAMOOSE!"

**Author:** _sigh_ "On to round five..."

* * *

**Round Five**

Legolas was, of course, very angry that Figwit had given all of his clothes to Bilbo. He went on a quick shopping spree with Aldawen, but they both had very little cash and thus had to shop in the clearance bins. Figwit would _really_ get it this time...

"Legolas!" Elrond called to him when he returned from his shopping spree.

"What?" said Legolas.

"I have managed to make your fangirls not urple anymore," Elrond told him.

"Yippe skippy!" cried Legolas, and raced off to find his fangirls. Legolas ran through Rivendell, until he found his fangirls. He gasped. They were no longer urple...THEY WERE GREEN!

"Oh no!" cried Legolas. "Green fangirls is almost as bad!"

"Hi!" said Sake, popping up out of very-nearly-nowhere. "I'm not urple anymore!"

"What?" said Legolas, looking down at her.

"You told me to call you back when I'm not urple!" Sake replied cheerfully.

_Yes, but now you're green_, thought Legolas. "Oh," he said aloud, "Well, yeah, ok, come along."

"Yay!" cried Sake and frog-hopped after Legolas.

Legolas brought Sake to his room and sighed. "_Who _is _that_?" asked Aldawen icily, staring at the green fangirl who was crouched on the ground and grinning foolishly up at them.

"Um, that's Sake," Legolas said. "I think she might be becoming rabid..." At this point, Sake began to foam at the mouth. "Yup,"confirmed Legolas.

"Good _lord_," said Aldawen. "What are we going to do with it?"

"I have no idea," Legolas said. "Maybe we could get her to do something to Sprite..."

"I like sprite!" Sake piped up, wiping the foam away from her mouth. "It's yummy and fizzy!"

"Uh..." said Legolas, not quite sure what to make of this.

"Sprite is also the name of a drink," Aldawen told him. "Very high in caffiene."

"Oh," said Legolas. "Well, Sake, I'm not talking about the drink, I'm talking about Figwit's Kindly Reader."

"Darn," said Sake. Then she perked up. "I'm a Kindly Reader too!" she cried joyously, frog-hopping around the room.

"No, you're an annoying rabid fangirl who won't leave me alone," muttered Legolas. Aldawen nodded in agreement.

"Well, we need to get back at Figwit somehow," Legolas said. "You know, I'll bet he was the one who made Elrond turn all my fangirls green." Both Legolas and Aldawen looked over at Sake, who was crouched in a corner, gurgling happily.

"Definately," Aldawen agreed.

"Actually," said Elrond, appearing at Legolas' window for no adequately explored reason, "Figwit has nothing to do with the green fangirls. The only way to get the urple dye off is to dye them another color. I chose green because I know you like that color."

"Riiight..." said Legolas, wondering how Elrond could be standing there, leaning on his windowsill, when Legolas' room was on the third floor of the building. He pushed this matter aside, deeming that it was not the most pressing matter at hand.

"Well," said Aldawen, ignoring Elrond, "we could do something to Figwit's hair..."

"No," said Legolas. "That's wouldn't work. I already tried that, and Figwit got the better of me. The hair is definately out."

"Good move," said Elrond. "You don't want to try the same trick twice. They might be expecting it."

"Argh!" said Legolas, frustrated. "Would you get away from my window?"

"Sure thing," said Elrond, and he zoomed away on his magic carpet.

"Okaaay..." said Legolas, not quite sure where that last bit had come from. To tell the truth, neither did The Author.

"I've got it!" cried Aldawen.

"Got what?" asked Legolas. "My socks? Argh!" The Author cackled evilly. She was high on sugar, and liked making her fictims do and say stupid things. But she decided, in the intrest of sanity, that she would try to let the fic proceed normally. As normal as it could be, that is.

"Ok, what have you got?" Legolas asked Aldawen.

"Socks!" giggled Sake.

"A way to get back on Figwit!" Aldawen said. "See, what we do is-" And her talk turned down to a hiss-like whisper, like in cartoons when they're planning something that they don't want the audience to know just yet. Which was precisely what this was.

Meanwhile, Figwit and Sprite were in Figwit's room plotting their next move against Legolas. Sprite was all for posting a website to tell the entire world that Legolas eats his boogers, but Figwit was having some trouble understanding what laptops and websites were. Sprite was forced to drop the idea.

"Why don't we convince all of his fangirls to ditch Blondie and become MY fangirls?" said Figwit, rather liking this idea.

"I don't think that would work," Sprite said. "You know, Legolas was around since the books came out, and some of his fangirls are as old as my grandmother."

"But I like that idea!" Figwit said, and began to pout. Sprite managed not to faint this time at the expression on his face, so perfect, so enigmatic, so pouty! It was a hard battle, but she prevailed.

"Argh, I'm gonna go got a drink," said Figwit. He left the room, deciding that he HAD to talk Elrond into getting him his own liquor cabinet. He was gone for exactly 7 minutes, 2 second. And when he returned, SPRITE WAS NOT THERE! On the door was a note. The note said: "Figbrain. We have kidnapped Sprite. If you ever want to see her again, leave 15 bottles of Herbal Essence shampoo outside your opponent's bedroom. You'll never find us, you'll never trace us."

"No!" cried Figwit. With a trembling lower lip, he read the rest of the letter: "Sincerely, Legolas and Aldawen."

'Well, that makes things easier,' though Figwit, before he succombed to sobs.

**Winner of Round Five:** Legolas

**A/N** Ok, I am SO SORRY that I havn't updated in a few days, but I've been really busy. Anyway, thanks to ME, the Author, for coming up with what Leggy did to Figgy in this chapter. Thanks to Aldawen, Sprite, and Sake for being such willing and enthusiastic fictims. Also, Sake? I am so sorry that I have depicted you as being completely insane in this fic, and hopping like a frog, and being downright stupid. But it makes the fic entertaining, don't you think?

**And Sprite:** Don't worry, Legolas won't use horrible means of torture on you. Much. TEE to the HEE to the HEE.

**Also:** I don't know where Elrond's magic carpet came from, but I think that we shall see it again. It's name Leroy, by the way.


	7. Round Six

**Disclaimer:** I no own, so you no sue! 

**Synopsis:** Legolas: 2 Figwit: 3 Sprite has been kidnapped by Legolas, Elrond has a magic carpet named Leroy, and The Author has no idea who will win this round. Only time will tell.

* * *

**Reader Votes:**

**Legolas:** 30  
**Figwit:** 32

**Legolas:** "NO!"

**Aldawen:** "How...how could those nasty readers do this to poor Leggikins?"

**Figwit:** "I'm better than Blondie! I'm better than Blondie!"

**Aldawen:** "His name is LEGOLAS, you moron!"

**Figwit:** "Legolas, Blondie, same thing."

**Legolas:** _sobs_ "My...my fans are leaving me!"

**Aldawen:** "There, there; I still love you!"

**Sake:** "Me too!"

**Aldawen:** "Go away, Sake."

**Author:** "I think we had better get on to Round Six..."

* * *

**Round Six**

_Rewind..._

Sprite sat waiting for Figwit to return. _Whump!_ The door opened rather quickly.

"Why, Figwit, that was fast. Did you..." Sprite's voice dropped off as she noticed it was not her beloved Figwit, but Legolas (dressed in rather shabby clothes) and his two fangirl goons. "Heeey... What are you doing here?" she asked as she got up, glaring at the rude intruders.

"Get her!" Legolas cried, and Aldawen and Sake attacked.

Much profanity and injuries (on the intruders' part) later, they had successfully caught Sprite and bound her wrists (with duct tape). They forgot to gag her, though, and Sprite was quite vocal in her complaints.

"Ow! What are you DOING? You can't do that... Hey! Don't go into Figgy's closet!" Sprite kicked Sake, who was trying to steal some of Figwit's clothes for Legolas. "Where are you taking me?" cried Sprite. "You can't take me! I'm Canadian! The Mounties will get you! FIGWIT! _HELP!_ Mmmph." Sprite got a sock stuffed into her mouth and was dragged away.

And so it was that Sprite found herself bound and gagged in Legolas' room. "Mmmmph! Nnng mmuh fufuf mmmph! OW!" she cried, as Legolasyankedthe sock out ofher mouth. "What are you going to do to me?"

"You don't want to know, I assure you," said Legolas. He laughed evilly. "Aldawen," he said. "Prepare the torture chamber!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Sprite.

* * *

Figwit paced his room. The enemy had kidnapped Sprite. For the moment, all hope seemed lost. He considered surrenduring to Legolas, letting Legolas be declared the better Elf, but then, in his mind, he saw Sprite's face. Those glittering eyes, that shining, silky hair, her ruby-red lips... And he knew that he must win this battle for her! 

Luckily, just yesterday, Figwit had recieved his monthly order of five cases of bottles of Herbal Essence shampoo. There were about 100 bottles in all, so 15 would not be missed...much. But they certainly would not be missed once Figwit put his special hair-remover lotion into each bottle. _Honestly, I have no idea why I got this stuff_, thought Figwit as he poured three teaspoons of the lotion into each bottle of Herbal Essence. _Though it's certainly proving its use!_

Figwit put the bottles into a pretty wicker basket with a pink bow on it. He left them outside Legolas' room and knocked on the door. Then he hurried back to his room. A few minutes later, a knock came at Figwit's door. He opened it, and saw a note taped to the outside of the door. It read: "I LIED! Sincerely, Legolas."

_Crud_, thought Figwit. _What to do, what to do... Jeez, Legolas is as good at plotting as Merry and Pippin... Wait... I've got it!_ Figwit had the perfect idea to rescue Sprite.

And he had better do it soon. Legolas had duct taped Sprite to a wooden chair in his TV room, and was forcing her to watch all of the worst Disney movies ever made, one after another.

"JUST KILL ME NOW!" screamed Sprite in agony. After the Disney movies, Legolas was planning on making her watch all the episodes of the Powerpuff Girls, and then Spongebob Squarepants, and then Pokemon. If there was time, she'd have to watch the new Star Wars movies. Sprite was in hell, if you'll pardon my language.

Over Sprite's screams, Legolas heard a knock at his bedroom door. He opened the door, and saw the hobbits, Merry and Pippin. "Hi, Legolas!" Merry said cheerfully.

"Um... Hello," Legolas said warily.

"We heard you were doing some torturing, and we thought we'd come and help!" said Pippin, patting his Li'l Bastard Havoc-Wreaking Kit (tm).

"Oh," said Legolas. "Ok." He led the hobbits into his TV room. Sprite stared at him fearfully. Legolas stopped _Beauty and the Beast_ in the middle of the climactic fight scene (yeah right). He then left the room and closed the door.

Merry and Pippin waited exactly 3.48 seconds. Then Merry started dancing around singing, "I'm happy! I'm happy! I'm happy happy happy!" Pippin started bouncing around on his pogo stick shouting, "PERKY PERKY PERKY!"

"OH, LET ME OUT OF THIS INFERNAL HECK-HOLE!" screamed Sprite.

"Ok," said Merry. Pippin went to the window and gave a shrill whistle while Merry undid the duct tape that bound Sprite to the chair. Just then, at the window, Figwit flew up riding Leroy the magic carpet!

"Figwit!"cried Sprite rapturously when she saw him.

"Shh, Legolas'll hear you," warned Pippin. The three of them (two hobbits, one fangirl) got onto Leroy with Figwit.

"So all along you were in league with Figgy?" Sprite said to Merry and Pippin.

"Yup," said Merry.

"Yo, Figman," Pippin asked. "Is it ok if we crash in your room for a few days? Legolas is gonna skin us alive if he finds us."

"Fine with me," Figwit said. "After all, you did rescue my favorite fangirl." Sprite giggled.

Pippin was right. When Legolas opened the door to his TV room to see why it had gotten so quiet, he found the room empty and the window open. "Curses, foiled again!" he muttered. Then he went back into his bedroom.

"Sake," he said. Sake perked up, excited at being directly addressed by Legolas.

"Yes-ishness?" she said. Aldawen rolled her eyes.

"Sake, would you mind testing this shampoo for me? Figwit might have jinxed it" Legolas said.

"Okey-day!" cried Sake, doing a painfully accurate Jar Jar Binks impression. She hopped off to Legolas' bathroom with one of the bottles of Herbal Essence. Ten minutes later, she emerged. She was still green. But she was bald.

"Crud, I am SO glad I did not use this stuff myself," Legolas said, examining one of the bottles and correctly guessing that Figwit had put hair-remover into the shampoo.

"My head is chilly!" said Sake inher annoyingly cheerful voice. Legolas and Aldawen ignored her. Legolas was angry. Sprite had escaped from his clutches, the ransome shampoo was useless, and he had a bald, rabid fangirl. How could things get any worse?

Of course, everyone knows it is a very bad idea to ask that question.

**Winner of Round Six:** Figwit

**A/N** Thank you once again to Sprite, Aldawen and Sake. Sprite, I am SOOO sorry for the ordeal I put you through, but rejoice in the fact that you are safe now!

Thanks to Master of the Sword for the hair-remover idea.

Also, my apologies to those of you who like Disney, Powerpuff Girls, Pokemon, Spongebob Squarepants, and the new Star Wars movies. I just think they're dumb.


	8. Round Seven

**Disclaimer:** I no own, so you no sue.

**Synopsis:** Legolas tortured Sprite with the most horrible methods possible: Cartoons! Legolas, Merry, and Pippin (with the help of Leroy) rescued her.

* * *

**Reader Votes:**

**Legolas:** 38  
**Figwit:** 37

**Aldawen:** "Take heart, Legolas! You've caught up!"

**Legolas:** "Oh, sweetest of all possible joys! I'm ahead!"

**Sprite:** "Figwit? Are you OK? Do you need to talk?"

**Figwit:** _shrugs_ "Eh, C'est la vie."

**Sprite:** "Um...OK..."

**Author:** "We shall now proceed to Round Seven, as usual."

* * *

**Round Seven**

Figwit, Sprite, Merry, and Pippin flew through the air atop Leroy. Leroy was Elrond's magic carpet, for those of you who have not been paying attention for the past...what? Two chapters? Gods, people these days are so inattentive.

"So..." said Figwit. "What shall we do now?"

"We're young, foolish, free!" cried Sprite. "And we have a magic carpet! We can do anything! There's a whole new world out there!"

At this point, Figwit and Sprite began singing _A Whole New World_ from Aladdin, but because of copyright issues that most people would overlook, The Author will not repeatit here. Merry and Pippin stared at them, open-mouthed.

"That was definatley different..." said Merry.

"Yeah..." said Pippin. "Am I the only one who sees the irony of them singing a Disney song after Sprite was tortured by Disney cartoons?" Sprite sighed happily and lay her head on Figwit's shoulder.

Through unspoken consent, the four of them decided to go to Mirkwood and visit Thranduil, Legolas' father. Even though Mirkwood was far away, it did not take long for them to get there. They landed Leroy just outside the palace, or what ever it was that Thranduil lived in, and got off.

Suddenly, The Author got a terrible bout of writer's block and had to go dunk her head in a bucket of cold water before she could continue writing.

Who should come out to greet them but Thranduil himself! "Ah, wonderful!" Thranduil cried. "Visitors from Rivendell! Come join the party!"

"Yeah! Party!"hooted Pippin.

"Excuse me..."asked Figwit. "Party?"

"My birthday party, of course," explainedThranduil. "Today is my 8,000th birthday!" He beamed at all of them, and they stared back, open-mouthed, except for Pippin, who was wondering if there were any pints.

"Come in, come in!" Thranduil cried. "The more the merrier, you know." He winked.

"I wonder how much wine he's already had?"asked Sprite as the four of them followed the Elf King into his palace.

"That's not what I'm worried about right now," Figwittold her."If today is Thranduil's birthday, then Legolas is sure to be there."

"Oh, that's right!" said Sprite.

"AHHH!" Merry screamed. "AND HE'D KILL US!"

"Why would who kill us?" Pippin asked, his mind momentarily torn away from the prospect of pints.

"Legolas," Merry replied.

"AHHHHH!" screamed Pippin. "Where? Hide! He'll skin us alive!" The two hobbits darted over and hid behind Sprite.

"Cut it out, you two, we don't know if he's here at all!" Figwit reminded them, exasperated.

"Oh, OK," Merry said, and they cautiously emerged from around Sprite's legs.

The Author has decided not to write much about the party, because it was not very important. But Merry and Pippin DID get very drunk, andDID have terrible hangovers in the morning. Sprite and Figwit DID spot Legolas from a distance, but he was too preoccupied with his daddy to notice them.

Later, Sprite and Figwit were doing nothing much in their guest room. Sprite decided to talk to Figwit about something that had been on her mind lately.

"Figgy," she began tentatively. "You know, alot of us fangirls came to Rivendell because of this war thingy that you and Legolas are having, so... What am I gonna do when it's over? Will I have to leave?"

"Oh, Sprite," Figwit said, coming over to sit next to her. "You are my Kindly Reader, and-"

"Is that all I am to you, Figwit?" cried Sprite in angst, the back of her hand attaching itself to her forehead. "A _Kindly Reader_?"

"No, no, Sprite!" cried Figwit, putting his hands on her shoulders. "You see...um...well... I love you." And then he kissed her.

Sprite fainted.

* * *

Legolas and Aldawen highly enjoyed Thranduil's birthday party. (They left Sake at Rivendell because, well, wouldn't you?) Of course, Legolas had been highly annoyed at the escape of Sprite, but coming back home to Mirkwood cheered him up mightily. He was already plotting what to do to Figwit once he got back to Rivendell. He had also thought up some splendid ways to kill Merry and Pippin. Ah, yes, life was good. 

Towards the end of the party, Aldawen spotted something, and tried to tell Legolas.

"Legolas!" she said. "I think I just saw-"

"Just a sec, Aldawen," Legolas interrupted.

"But Legolas!" Aldawen urged. "I need to-"

"Aldawen, I'm talking to Phil!" Legolas said.

It was not until Legolas and Aldawen had retired to their room that Legolas thought to ask her what she had seen. By this time Aldawen looked as though she was about to explode.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" asked Legolas.

"Well, I saw-" Aldawen began.

"Oh, just a moment, Aldawen, I need to-" interrupted Legolas.

"FIGWIT AND SPRITE AND MERRY AND PIPPIN ARE HERE!" shouted Aldawen. "I SAW THEM!"

"...What?..." said Legolas, stunned by this explosion. "You saw them...where?"

"HERE!" screamed Aldawen. "I SAW THEM LEAVING THE BANQUET HALL AND I TRIED TO TELL YOU BUT WOULD YOU LISTEN NO YOU WERE TOO BUSY TALKING TO PHIL!" Aldawen stopped, and panted heavily.

"Oh," said Legolas. "Look, I'm terribly sorry about that, but Phil is my best chum and I haven't seen him in such a long time."

"Hrrch sshck thak!" said Aldawen, and stopped, agast. She had been screaming so loudly that she had lost her voice!

"Oh, Aldawen!" cried Legolas, at once seeing what was wrong. "I'm so sorry! If Figwit had not been here, you would not have seen him, and so you would have not been forced to scream at me! This is all Figwit's fault!"

"Gleep!" agreed Aldawen.

Oh, sure. Blame the underdog.

"We must get revenge on Figwit," Legolas said. "How did he get here anyway?"

They heard a burst of laughter from outside. Legolas and Aldawen rushed to the window to see what was going on. They saw Figwit and Sprite riding around on Leroy, laughing in the moonlight. After she had come to, they had decided to take a night-time ride.

"A whole new world!" cried Sprite, flinging out her arms.

"I have a great idea," said Legolas. He called out the window, "Oh, Leroy! I have some Acme Carpet Cleaner here for you!"

Leroy the magic carpet excitedly changed his course, throwing both Sprite and Figwit off. The carpet flew towards Legolas' window and zoomed into his room. Figwit and Sprite landed on the stable roof.

"Ha HA!"crowed Legolas, leaning out of his window. Leroy happily awaited the Acme Carpet Cleaner bath.

**Winner of Round Seven:** Legolas

**A/N:** Ok, here it goes.

Thank you to: Sprite, Aldawen, and Sake. Many thanks to Sake actually, for enduring the undignified manner in which I have portrayed her. Honestly, Sake, I have nothing against you and I don't really MEAN to make you look stupid, it just...sort of...happens? Also thanks to everyone who has reviewed, and e-mailed me with ideas and praise.

I know that some of you have not really like the way the Elfie-boys, especially Legolas, have been portrayed here. And yeah, they have been womanizers, and vain, but this is a HUMOR fic, it's supposed to be FUNNY!

Oh, yeah, for those of you don't know who Phil is, he's a pseudo-character in one of my other fics. He is Phil, ambassador of Mirkwood, best chum of Legolas Greenleaf, prince of Mirkwood.

To GreyLadyBast: Yes, I have confiscated Merry and Pippin's Li'l Bastard Havock-Wrecking kit, and by all means, take it! Have fun!


	9. Round Eight, and.....THE END!!!!

A/N UGENT ANNOUNCEMENT WHICH YOU MUST READ! I am aware that FF.N has a new policy that interactive fics are now against the rules. Gasp and Horror! What I am going to do, is finish up this fic as quick as I can (yes, I am very sad about this as well), and then wait for FF.N to remove it for me. Eh, I'm not gonna fo the dirty job. 

**Synopsis:** Legolas: 3 Figwit: 4 The setting has changed to Mirkwood, but will soon change back.

* * *

**Reader Votes:**

**Legolas:** 55  
**Figwit:** 52

**Legolas:** "Phew, I'm still ahead! I rock!"

**Aldawen:** "Yay!"

**Sprite:** "NOOO!"

**Figwit:** "Why can't we just give peace a chance?"

**Legolas:** "...That was unexpected..."

**Figwit:** "I take it that means no...?"

**Legolas:** "Damn strait."

_Figwit hangs his head_

_Sprite hugs Figwit_

**Author:** _sigh _"On to Round Eight..."

* * *

**Round Eight**

Needless to say, Sprite and Figwit were a bit sore from falling onto the stables. "Eh, c'est la vie," Sprite said, shrugging. "Hey, Figgy-poo, what say we go for a _horse_ ride in the moonlight?"

"Sure!"agreed Figwit. They got down off the stable roof, and went into the stables. There they fetched two horses. One was named Peace and the other was named Love. Figwit and Sprite rode joyfully through the moonlight, and arrived at Rivendell after about 20 minutes, which made no sense whatsoever. Oh well.

"Um..." said Sprite. "We forgot Merry and Pippin..."

"Oh, yeah, them." said Figwit. They rode back to Mirkwood and fetched the twoinebriated hobbits, whose drunken endeavours would probably boost the rating of this fic up another notch or two if they were recounted here. Then the four of them rode back to Rivendell.

"So..." Figwit said, once they had safely locked Merry and Pippin in their room. "What are we going to do now?" Suddenly, the two of the caught sight of Sake, who was sitting sadly in a corner. She was still bald, and still green.

"Sake, what's wrong?" asked Sprite, putting on a facade of kindness.

"Cute Elfie went away and left Sake behind," Sake said, pouting.

"Oh, Eru, she's speaking in third person; please tell me she's not turning into Gollum," Figwit moaned.

"She isn't," Sprite assured him. "She's not using the letter 's' enough. Sake," Sprite turned back to the rabid fangirl. "why don't you go amuse yourself with this?" She handed Sake several bottles of green dye. "It's Legolas' favorite color"

Sake brightened up and scampered off with the green dye.

"Sprite, you're a genious!" Figwit said admiringly. Sprite grinned.

Needless to say, when Legolas came back to Rivendell, he walked into his room and found that all of his possessions had been dyed a bright green.

"ACK!" Legolas cried. "FIGWIT!"

"Cute Elfie is back!"shrieked Sake, in throes of ecstacy.

"Sake," said Legolas. "Were you here? Who did it? Who dyed all my stuff green? Was it Figwit? It was Figwit, wasn't it! Oh, I knew it!"

"Sake did it!"admitted Sake happily. "Cute Elfie likes green. Sake dyed Cute Elfie's stuff green for him!"

"Where did she get the dye?" Aldawen wrote this on a pad of paper and showed it to Legolas, as she had not yet regained her voice.

"Vampire Elfie gave it to Sake!" explained the currently more vocally-inclined fangirl.

"Vampire Elfie?"wondered Legolas, dumbfounded.

"Figwit," Aldawen wrote. "Vampire Elfie is Figwit. He looks like a vampire, no?"

"FIGWIT!" shouted Legolas. "Oh, man, when I get my hands on him..."

"Go get 'im, Legolas!"scribbled Aldawen happily.

Legolas charged down the hallway to Figwit's room, a vessle of wrath and anger. He pounded on Figwit's door. Figwit opened it.

"Oh, hello, Legolas," Figwit said pleasently. "How are you?"

"You...you..._organism_!" shouted Legolas. "First you make my Kindly Reader lose her voice, and now you make my rabid fangirl dye all my stuff green! You are incorrigable!"

"Actually," Figwit said, "technically, Sprite was the one who made Sake dye your stuff green."

"Hey!"cried Sprite.

"Ah, I'm just telling the truth!" Figwit protested.

"Argh..."groaned Legolas, ignoring all of this. "It just makes me wanna say...wanna say... uh... thanks, man."

"Now, now, let's not-" Figwit began. He stopped. "What?" he said sharply, when Legolas' words had sunk in.

"Aldawen was getting really annoying," Legolas said. "Now she can't talk. Yay?"

"Hey!" said Aldawen, coming up from behind Legolas.

"Wha? Huh?" stammered Legolas. "I thought you lost your voice!"

"Elrond gave me some cough medicine," Aldawen said witheringly, her eyes glittering dangerously.

"Um" said Legolas. "Uh... I... um..."

"Yes, do go on!"encouraged Aldawen. Figwit and Sprite, meanwhile, had pulled up chairs and were watching themwhilst eating popcorn.

"Well, what I really mean to say is..." Legolas said. "Uh... Ididn'tmeanitwhenIsaidyouwereannoying?"

"Hm..." said Aldawen. "Alright."

"Anyway, Figwi,t" Legolas continued, turing back to the other Elf. "I really do like green, and I like what Sake did to my room. Thanks."

"Yur wulcm" said Figwit through a mouthful of popcorn.

"Oh, speaking of Sake," Aldawen said, "Elrond made this formula to remove dye and restore hair. Sake is taking a bath in it right now."

"Not anymore," said Sake, walking down the hallway towards them, drying her hair with a towel. "Gods, that stuff works like a charm!"

"Hey!"exclaimed Legolas, seeing Sakeas hertrue selffor the first time. "You're hott!" Sake grinned, winking, and Aldawen's jaw dropped.

"Well, Figwit," Legolas said. "What say we call it a draw? Truce?" He held out his hand to Figwit.

"Truce," said Figwit, and took Legolas' hand.

BZZT! Incidentally, Figwit had one of those doohickeys that sends an electric shock to the person you shake hands with. "Ha HA!" crowed Figwit. Aw, come one, you didn't think it would really end with them making up and being friends?

"Why you little-" Legolas began, and lunged at Figwit.

"Alright!" said Sake, and she and Aldawen joined Sprite to watch the fight.

There was hair pulling, eye-poking, finger-bighting... "Hey, share some of that pocorn," Aldawen complained. Sprite passed her the tub.

"You stick your finger there again and it'll meet the same fate as Frodo's!" Figwit threatened.

"Boys, boys," Elrond said, appearing behind them. "Break it up!" He pulled the Elfie-boys apart and stood them on their feet. "You have both been very naughty,"replrimanded Elrond, addressing them. "And I think that this has gone on far to long. No more fighting in my house! Now go to your rooms and think about what you have done!"

"Yes, Mister Elrond sir," the Elfie-boys muttered, and dragged their feet to their respective rooms.

"Hey," Aldawen said. "It wasn't supposed to end that way! Leggy was supposed to win..."

"Oh, bugger off," Elrond muttered, and marched off down the hall.

"That was...interesting," Sprite said. "I never thought it would end that way."

"Yeah,"agreed Sake. "I always thought it would end with Legolas winning in a cloud of glory."

"I guess we can't have everything in life," sighed Aldawen.

"C'est la vie!" Sprite shrugged and the three fangirls walked off down the hall together.

"Well, that certainly worked out nicely, didn't it Leroy" Elrond said as he sat beside the fire in his room. "Just the way it was supposed to."

Leroy purred.

**_FIN_**


End file.
